the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
