I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
