he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
