Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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