I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
