Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
