The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
