he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
