My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
