goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
