Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
