and you said cock pushups were impossible
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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