i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
