Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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