So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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