hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize