I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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