So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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