I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
