I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
