The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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