Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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