I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
