The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
