You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
