is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
