Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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