I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You were trust falling into bushes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
