Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
