I think my fart just growled at me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
