How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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