Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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