I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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