the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
