Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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