And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
