My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
