I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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