how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
