I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
