We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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