Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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