You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
