Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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