The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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