I bet he comes in French.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
