I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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