i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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