Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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