Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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