theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
