i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
