Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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